Newcastle United Press Officer

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Woodie cousin and the adventures of Trousersnake

Woodie cousin and the adventures of Trousersnake

My cousin was a departure Woodie overweight in their first 40 years living in a trailer park in the U.S.. He never married and was often unemployed. He was a smart man, but a little unhinged. In general, be kept to himself so few people in the park never saw it all. Certainly, however listened to in the morning he liked to sing, just make up any word not to know:

Jo Jo was a man before she was a woman, but it was another man.
Michelle ma belle, some say monkeys play piano,
my beautiful Michelle.

Beatles fans must have found it particularly annoying. I know I would.

Woodie liked to boast about their library exotic foreign magazines that he hid in a shoe box in his lair when his mom calls all year. He also held a series of trains, ordered a large number of model airplane glue and wrote bad poetry. Although I had not seen for several years, he emailed me regularly. His main contact with the outside world, however, was through the Internet where pseudonyms are used dubious and sent up or satirized internet forums.

In a parenting forum of an anxious parent reported that, to his horror, he found his daughter 13yr smoking. Among the members helpful tips and answers, Trailertrash found was wondering whether to go with cyclists or smoking in front of their children.

In a medical forum, Trousersnake, sympathized with those who suffer loss of libido, but are described in some detail how the offending medication (Lyrica) was having the opposite effect on him. Made it sound like bragging.

A ship bound for Africa missionary was imprisoned awaiting repairs in Newcastle, England. Eager to sail, the crew expressed frustration, through various posts, the lack of progress in the shipyard. As rinity T, Woodie good people warned that as the ship probably provided the only form of employment in that city, never be allowed to leave. In these circumstances, should consider dedicating his life to the conversion of the premises. His suggestion was not well received.

Visiting a sailing forum, as Captain Bligh RN, who published the design of a device for self-direction, which seemed very real, but it was complete nonsense. Several hundred members made the device and, oddly enough, some of them claimed that it worked. A sailor sorry he used in the Pacific crossing and never heard from again.

By the way, if you are a member of the international forum PrayForMe, remove Repentant from its list of people who need their help. Like most of us can Woodie have worried about the stock market, but he was not claimed to be billionaire and do not require divine intervention in the choice of investments. Be generous brothers and sisters, and find some space in your hearts to forgive him.

If you happen across any of their suggestions for avoiding speeding fines or income tax, I would suggest you ignore them. At that time, some were very promising, but all the loopholes have been closed as well.


Although rather afraid of her mother, was very loyal Woodie to it. In fact, when he was taken to the hospital wing, who visited the prison every month. She once told me that when a child entered a talent contest and sang a sentimental ditty he had heard on the radio:

M is for the million things she gave me
Or is it just aging
T is for the tears she shed to save me
H is for her heart of pure gold
I is for eyes shining forever
R is right and right to will always be
Put them all together spell MOTHER
A word that means everything to me.

Although the hearing, the judges and his mother, shook laughter, Woodie was at the stage of confusion. Then, struggling to contain his amusement, a senior judge shouted:
Put them all together, spell MOTHER.
A word that makes no sense to me!

The audience collapsed in convulsions and Woodie fled the stage in tears. That was the end of his brief career in the world of entertainment. When her mother told me this, she was laughing and said "bug should have had a small bow. I could have won."

Siblings? Yes, two older sisters. Like children, I think they liked him, but had a strange way of showing it. He once said he had a twin brother named Forrest. I was very excited and asked where was his twin brother. He offered to teach him. "Is it necessary to put in my shoes?" he asked. "No," responded, "Come on bare feet." Followed them to the bottom of the garden where he was shown a large mound of earth. Forrest is buried down there, "she whispered sadly, and then ran off laughing in the field of pig. I think that affected him badly.


The world of education has not always been kind to Woodie. On his first day, the teacher told the children that they were making a picture of something they liked. She presented the paper and crayons and children with enthusiasm to the task. When they finished, she told them to put their names on their drawings and hand to mark them. Woodie, who had drawn a very good picture of Jets, his dog, waited for the wait as the teacher looked at the various works of art. Then he showed them individually the class and it was clear that the quality of the artwork gradually improved while working through the stack. Finally, came the last picture and it had to be by Woodie. "Now look carefully, the children," he ordered. To the delight of Woodie, who held the sketch of his beloved Squirts in front of the class. So to his horror, that broke the image into several pieces. "This is what happens when you do not put your name on your work."

Some years ago I asked if he had ever seen his father and he said he had met only once. His pa had appeared on a motorcycle outside the school where he was being Woodie reformed and asked permission to spend a couple of hours with your child. After a conference on emergency personnel, permission was granted and, precariously on the seat Woodie rear, which roared together in the desert. Later, leaning against a rock and enjoy a joint, this long-lost relatives stared at her son for a while and then offered some words of wisdom. 'Listen kid,' he said, "Whenever you get nervous, breathe deeply several times to calm things down. It always works with me. "Woodie thanked him for fatherly advice, but thought I would have preferred a helmet. With dusk falling, they ran back to school. As the doors closed behind him, Woodie turned and saw his father disappear into the sunset in a cloud of smoke. That was the last I saw of him. Woodie asked what his father looked like. I do not know, "he replied," I never took his glasses off. "


Woodie was never really confident or comfortable with the girls. His mother once told me that any decent girl would be hard pressed to find a romantic relationship with your child, even those who were not his exact words. He, however, have a Brazilian penfriend called Lidjaine. He was learning English at the time and, after an exchange letters, sent a lovely little poem he had written.

To Lidjaine

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
With his mane long flowing
and two identical eyes
I put my heart on fire.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
I know it's not your fault
But there is a thing about you
It seems a bit crazy.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
I think it's a shame
Their parents did not call that
By another name.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
Oh please, can you explain
How do you pronounce
Your name clumsy looking for?

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine

She never said it was a shame because he has good grades in English. For years, he kept a picture of the discoloration immobilized in his study with the letter from Prince Charles (yes, living in London, England). More on that later.

Woodie never married and is probably best. A few years ago asked Santa Claus at the staff Christmas party at the sewage farm, where he worked as an inspector of sewers. With your fingers tattooed and hair disheveled, the children approached him with some trepidation to collect gifts. One of their cries of greeting was "Hello and when your mother gets out of jail?" For those who dared to answer that mother was not in jail, he shouted "That's great news! So you have left out in time for Christmas!" The next year hired a professional actor for this role.


Despite his failure as a young singer, he never abandoned his dream Woodie to be a famous composer. From time to time, sent me the lyrics of the songs he had written and asked me to put a song for them. I'm tired of this and continued sending the same melody, but Woodie was too busy writing new songs to notice.

I guess he must have written more than three hundred songs. The last one I sent was right try, try, Try Again. that seemed appropriate. He liked to write country music: Marriage is tomorrow but tonight's moon Honey, She stole my heart, I take my hat and my horse, so he sent me are only here for several well-known country singers, but their agents ignored him. Personally, I found it quite disturbing. Here's the chorus:

I see a man with my wife
I see a man living
my life
I see a man with my girl
If I had a gun that had burst into hell.
But I only just found here
I will be here on my own
I'll be here out of town
I'll be here – six feet down.

animal lovers have not seen the letters to bring your dog to the right. It only takes a verse to see why:

Oh, I love my dog to pieces
To really cure the sadness,

However, I kick your ass every time I find
His disorder stuck in my shoe.


Now if there was not a subject close Woodie the heart of his brain. Some of his ideas ruined belief, but you can take in a day. For example, developed an air bag for use with a motorcycle (too later to travel in the desert), and was there the car could be driven from the back seat. His other major contribution to road safety was a sharp steel spike anchored in the center of a wheel and the driver goes to the heart. Instead of lower risk, was the rocking chair aside for use as a means of training to cure sickness. Then was the harmonica was played in a gust of wind. Another project involving homemade fireworks. Using a recipe found explosives Internet, a hat designed to fire rockets and showed that on Halloween. Despite Woodie lost most of his hair, hat neighbors considered a success resounding. He blamed the confusing instructions – parts of them in Arabic. I also remember the baby bed cage that was something parents could use to protect their newly born in bed. If one or both parents in junior turned, the bars of the cage was strong enough to withstand the weight of two obese adults. As I said before, was probably better than no father to the children.

The explosion was the only time Woodie diced with danger. Encountered in the castle or something forbidden; a forum for celebrating the beauty of young models and actresses. The type of forum for sad boys drool over photos of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz or say things like 'OMG I love her and marry her one day! "Woodie added comments like:" Well, I just want to come to my studio and play with my train set. or "Hey, that is like my favorite niece, Jolene! '. When I said this, I hit the ceiling. I told him to stay away from those things. Just do not know who these sites. The Internet is a dangerous place, even for individuals who own a train set and mean what they say. Now that I think, I do not remember a niece named Jolene.

Earlier I mentioned a letter from Prince Charles. In fact, the letter came from personal assistant to the prince, but had the correct address on it and all fittings. Apparently, some years ago Prince Charles had an accident. Maybe he was playing polo or involved in some type of game on horseback, but spent night in a hospital National Health Service. This was a humble medical destination for the wounded king-to-be, but who cares with great skill and the story was picked up by the international press. Woodie is the idea that it was a state institution to provide very basic medical care for the poor, and some people in the United Kingdom would agree. He wrote a letter to Prince Charles expressed his sympathy for the injury and suggesting that got any health insurance from Blue Cross. The letter response thanked him for his concern and assured him that the Prince had fully recovered. Woodie was very proud of that letter. As discussed below, may have been his first, but not his last contact with royalty.

For someone who had probably never seen the sea, Woodie was very interested in ships and was delighted when he sent a photo of the Romantics of the SS, a rust bucket in which I worked. One day, he took the picture of where Lidjaine was trapped under his beloved and, after being scanned, began to lose time using Photoshop. Which altered the mast, extended the funnel added some extra portholes, disguised under the name and then published in an international forum for fans of the ship. As Neptune, which asked members of the forum you help identify and apply their knowledge and skills necessary for this task with great enthusiasm. The nationality of the ship has been the subject of much discussion and, according to experts, was owned by several of Norway, Israel, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Poland. One member was adamant that he could see a star of David into the funnel, while another member stressed that the pattern was caused by some radio masts. The two became very argumentative on this point and had to be restrained by a moderator. Asked that describe where the photo was taken, Woodie said he had seen the mystery ship in Antarctica. Excited by this news, experts embarked in another line of investigation, but was one that has led to more arguments. By the time the issue had been recorded up to 2,500 visitors, Woodie decided to take anchor. He returned to his original position and replaces the false with the true picture. The arguments running in a few days and then someone new to it and asked what fuss is about. In his view, it was perfectly obvious to any fool that the ship was the SS romantic, the name was clearly painted on the bow. Some self-appointed experts were outraged and demanded the immediate expulsion of Neptune. One member was hurt particularly angry because he had paid a lab to work on the picture to reveal the name of the ship. When crossing the interior of Australia to do so, his car had broken down and went for a walk a couple of days before rescued.

After this, Woodie tried to spread an urban myth in which the government blocked the publication of a report comparing the personalities of the criminals and police. In a study of many different characteristics, no significant differences between the two populations were discovered. Now can you imagine that anyone would believe such a thing? As Yobbocop, police joined a few forums, but kept sending recipes for donuts. I asked what had against the police but he said "I never met one who did not want to kick.

As Trailerskunk, soon got tired to ask the sites where drug addicts could get some suppositories pot: "I need a bullet-shaped preparation that I can place where the sun does not shine and the police not see. "Some of his irritation, he discovered that this type of product really exists and was highly recommended, which took the wind from their sails. Later when IllegalAlien, who presented the UFO sightings with national reporting center. "Driving north on I-440, I observed in the night sky a cigar-shaped object with a long row of windows and lights flashing down to earth. The helicopter landed in a field east of Little Rock. Nobody seemed to realize that this event occurs about 150 times a day in Little Rock, but was starting to lose interest. Then came the Nigerian scammers on your computer and should have lived to regret it.

Like most people who use the Internet, Woodie had its fair share of fraudulent e-mails especially the kind that appear in the inbox and say things like:

My Dear Friend
It is in the heart of the hope that I writing to request your assistance in the context below. I Genza Munga, the first son of the late MKO Munga, a philanthropist and alleged political winner of the June 12, 1993 elections president, who died in the custody of Inje Obanithe Gen former military president of the Democratic Republic of Nigeria. I know you will be amazed at how I have his contact, but it was after a careful search through my files I saw your late father contact, I have no doubt of his willingness to assist me in receiving into your custody (For safety) the sum of forty-eight million five hundred thousand United States dollars (U.S. $ 48.5 m) has chosen and placed in my favor by my late father. ……… And so on.

He had several ways of dealing with these requests. One was to create an email address that included the sender's name. Thus, in the example above, would become and rebuking the sender to steal both his name and scam. It would threatened to send the heavy mob, "I know where they hide. On other occasions, however, he would agree to collect the cash dollars or jewelry personal family and bring the rate of release of $ 1.000 in cash.

A spin-off of these fraudulent emails that increased their knowledge world geographic considerably without departing from the trailer. He became quite knowledgeable about the countries of Africa, Holland, and the streets of Amsterdam in particular. Often bothered to investigate the costs and times of flights from New York to Amsterdam. Naturally, one would expect that a driver and car to meet him at the airport and the driver had to hold a large card with the word Squirts. Jet, of course, was long dead. Woodie, but he had never forgotten his only true friend. At its meeting of scammers, usually selected by the meeting which he described thus:

Go to the bar of amnesia in the Herengracht. The music is not in boxes, but the coffee is good and the other customers too busy enjoying the smoke to notice us. I was carrying a violin case gaps that may be thrown into a nearby canal, if we have to go somewhere more to talk about business. See you at the table next to the entrance to the bathroom.

He said that sometimes he managed to arrange meetings with several different scammers at the same time and sat in his trailer imagining all threading their way through smoke to sit at the same table at the entrance to the bathroom. I knew he had got involved with this type of nonsense, because he had begun the integration certain phrases in e-mails that sent me statements that he had collected from his friends, such as:

Thank you and God bless you please extend my greetings to your family.


Anyway, my friend.

Then came the fateful day when the queen entered cyberspace Woodie Shonekan is. It was the usual type of scam with the promise of 30% of 9 million dollars deposited by her late father (the president Acting country first) in a South African bank. At first I played all the usual tricks of wasted time and was honored for his quaint spelling, for example, massage instead of the message. "Oh Queen, how I hope the next massage." With the help of a schedule of the airways, was found with a flight that sounded plausible: SAA235 to Johannesburg, arriving on September 6 at 7.25 am local time. He apologized for his early arrival – deliberately scheduled for mid-time tip tip in Africa. Somewhat to his surprise, the queen Shonekan booked a room at the Road Lodge Hotel not far from the airport and given a reservation number. Out of curiosity, Woodie check book and found it to be genuine. But of course, he was still back home in his trailer when the driver and his assistant was presented at the airport to welcome him. Shonekan Queen began to panic:

I am writing to ask what is actually happening. You are not
presented. I even sent a massage to you. Kindly reply to ease my mind. I'm waiting on the Road Lodge Hotel and I am so worried. Please do not destroy my life and future.

One after the massage, the message of forgiveness, Woodie said his driver and assistant were arrested at the airport and was in serious problems. It was at this point Woodie began to feel guilty. His excuse for missing the flight was a lame, but the queen was swallowed. Then e-mail their ideas on how to escape the building and avoid being captured by the South African police. Finally, received the good news that he had taken possession of his suggestion of hiding in a garbage skip, so that means that had been transported free of charge, to a point not far from industrial center of the city. After that they began to exchange messages, and even the occasional picture. Undoubtedly, the queen Shonekan was an attractive woman and soon replaced the picture on the wall Lidjaine of his lair.

When Woodie told me all this, you are urged to be cautious for Queen Shonekan can not be a true female monarch. In fact, it could become type foot six weight 180 pounds, a second job as a bodyguard when he was not sitting in an Internet cafe. But to no avail, I was hooked, and even their emails suddenly stopped, talked of nothing else but the Queen of Africa. He even wrote to his mother and asked her to talk some sense into him, but response I received was a shock. Woodie had disappeared from the trailer park and no one knew of his whereabouts. I could not believe he had gone to South Africa to be Shonekan the queen, although there was always a chance he had. It was a complete mystery.

So the months passed and there was no word of Woodie. Then, while visiting friends in the U.S., I happened to pass the trailer park where he lived and went in an old, sitting on a bench in the sun, said trailer Woodie, now occupied by another family. I asked if he remembered my cousin. 'Remember him? " he replied, "I'll never forget. As sure as hell, that guy was connected to the moon. Most people around here I avoided him, but I'm not afraid. About a year ago, only one night and never returned. There was an African lady with him. Fine looking woman too. I do not know what was in it, but it takes all kinds. "

We sat there sharing a beer and watching people in their work in the park. "It's not the only person who has been here looking for him," he continued. I asked why another visitor appeared. "There is a visitor," I replied, "A damn gang of them all. Police cars all over the place, agents special trees, hailers strong firearms in the list. I was afraid of my mind! We had guys in the drug squad, the IRS, the protection agency of children, the immigration service. Whatever, they were there. In fact, they discovered he had left, they were arguing about who will had to snatch. Do you know that Woodie had a small train set? After they searched his trailer, some of them sat outside playing with him. The others were going through a big stack of magazines and it took a long time. I guess there was something hidden there. The IRS maintains two boys sniffing some cans. Never I know what that guy was doing, but they were not legal. "

As he was leaving the trailer park that afternoon, I felt a warm glow interior. Cruise down the road, which broke out in a Bob Dylan song was a favorite of Woodie:

"The ants are my friends
that are blowing in the wind
The ants are blowing in the wind. '

Woodie, if you read this, I wish you and your African Queen too. Have a long and happy life together. No need to send me another email. In fact, I'd be very happy if you never touch another computer or browse Internet again.

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